Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
i threw up today
and the day before that as well. i dotn think i have any intention in stopping. at least for now anyway.
there's nothing more satisfying than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe in a real setting, an ideal morning would be having breakfast with your loved ones, maybe french toast with sausage and orange juice, conversing what you guys are going to do that day.
but here, its just raisin bran, coffee, and my computer. no one interests me here. i like to be alone with my thoughts, because i think i've lost touch with it. in hopes of becoming a writer, ive poured my feelings in sheets of paper, and then the curse of growing up took over. human interactions between the opposite sex corrupted my innocence. when i was seven i was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle, and i don't think im' ever going to get over it. there isn't a pill or a person that's ever going to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY.
and so, i dwell in my self loathing. not to people, just when i am alone. its my little secret. to everyone im a smiley girl that loves to laugh and play around, and it seems like i have everything together.......... but to me i am the most hateful person, a person not worthy of the purest form of emotion. in fact, i do not believe that there is someone for me. i dont think that there is anyone that's ever going to accept me for who i am, and that's okay.
i've been through a clash of relationships, one divorce. its a wonderful, wonderful thing.
after my divorce i poured myself into the bottom. intentionally. my feelings were a blur and everything else was irrelevant.
i started seeing aidan and it was nice, to act like i was a normal person. after he had taken a trip i set my eyes on someone else.. his name was jason, who was deep and sensitive and whatever. i truly thought i had feelings for him. undeniable feelings. i fucked him and he wasn't that great, but the feelings were there and i didn't care. i truly did care for him, but i was still with aidan and i didn't tell the two until it was too late. jason won't talk to me anymore... he said he loved me, and now he won't talk to me anymore.
after all of that there was bryan. oh bryan... who had given me the most ultimate physical pleasure anyone has ever given me. his eyes and smile were melting and i knew that i needed him. more than i needed myself. i began to hate, hate myself and scared that if he had ever left that i would be a wreck. i knew he was cheating on me, and yet i was scared for him to leave. his touch, his kiss, was like a drug. it sended me to a place that i didn't know existed. he made me feel beautiful, and so so ugly at the same time. and when he left he was gone, as if he never was there. and of course, with a beautiful girl at his side.
i dont know what im going to do with myself. i hate that i do not know, but i hope aidan will be there for me. he is the first person that ever remained constant in my life, i do not know what would happen if he wasn't there anymore. i dont think im in love with him. but he's what i need... need need need.
there's nothing more satisfying than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe in a real setting, an ideal morning would be having breakfast with your loved ones, maybe french toast with sausage and orange juice, conversing what you guys are going to do that day.
but here, its just raisin bran, coffee, and my computer. no one interests me here. i like to be alone with my thoughts, because i think i've lost touch with it. in hopes of becoming a writer, ive poured my feelings in sheets of paper, and then the curse of growing up took over. human interactions between the opposite sex corrupted my innocence. when i was seven i was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle, and i don't think im' ever going to get over it. there isn't a pill or a person that's ever going to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY.
and so, i dwell in my self loathing. not to people, just when i am alone. its my little secret. to everyone im a smiley girl that loves to laugh and play around, and it seems like i have everything together.......... but to me i am the most hateful person, a person not worthy of the purest form of emotion. in fact, i do not believe that there is someone for me. i dont think that there is anyone that's ever going to accept me for who i am, and that's okay.
i've been through a clash of relationships, one divorce. its a wonderful, wonderful thing.
after my divorce i poured myself into the bottom. intentionally. my feelings were a blur and everything else was irrelevant.
i started seeing aidan and it was nice, to act like i was a normal person. after he had taken a trip i set my eyes on someone else.. his name was jason, who was deep and sensitive and whatever. i truly thought i had feelings for him. undeniable feelings. i fucked him and he wasn't that great, but the feelings were there and i didn't care. i truly did care for him, but i was still with aidan and i didn't tell the two until it was too late. jason won't talk to me anymore... he said he loved me, and now he won't talk to me anymore.
after all of that there was bryan. oh bryan... who had given me the most ultimate physical pleasure anyone has ever given me. his eyes and smile were melting and i knew that i needed him. more than i needed myself. i began to hate, hate myself and scared that if he had ever left that i would be a wreck. i knew he was cheating on me, and yet i was scared for him to leave. his touch, his kiss, was like a drug. it sended me to a place that i didn't know existed. he made me feel beautiful, and so so ugly at the same time. and when he left he was gone, as if he never was there. and of course, with a beautiful girl at his side.
i dont know what im going to do with myself. i hate that i do not know, but i hope aidan will be there for me. he is the first person that ever remained constant in my life, i do not know what would happen if he wasn't there anymore. i dont think im in love with him. but he's what i need... need need need.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
coffee and raisin bran
simplistic in its own way. thats what i want my life to be. no drama, no anything. i dont want to remember what my life was. i want to remember it right before i met my ex husband. oh yes the ex. he's going to get married soon, even posted it up on his status on myspace. i wonder why. i'd like to think that he did it just for me and yet... after everything, i dont think so. i dont think he thinks about me or anything he ever did to me. i dont even think i am a memory to him. which is fine. i just wish i could do the same for him. what i really want to do is sit him down, touch his face, and have him tell me everything that he had ever felt. actually i really dont, i really dont give a fuck.
completely different.
completely different place, completely different time.
i've arrived in iraq and its suprising good for me. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont care for it still, but at least i dont hate it.
it's so weird, i haven't felt depressed yet. i have a friend here that keeps me sane. i still try to look at bryan's profile to give me some sort of self loathing, although i'm still happy nonetheless. i've gained 15 pounds.
its funny though, because i feel a lot healthier. i'm still throwing up. just not as much. i threw up today. i ate a lot and i felt guilty about it. but at least i'm eating more, that's the important thing.
i've been working a lot and working out a lot. i haven't set my eyes on anyone of interest. i'm still talking to aidan, and am pretty sure that i'll be with him when i get back. he's counting the days until he sees me, which is great. bryan contacted me on facebook, saying he misses me and thinks about the great times we've had. i dont really let it phase me though, because with him i dont know what is real and what isn't. all i know is, that i'm living my life for right now, and that's all i can do. no more hating myself.
i can't drink here, which is wonderful, because if i' did i think i would go stir crazy. i'm not taking my ambien anymore, the bottle is a little reminder of my crazy self. that is mia.
i've arrived in iraq and its suprising good for me. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont care for it still, but at least i dont hate it.
it's so weird, i haven't felt depressed yet. i have a friend here that keeps me sane. i still try to look at bryan's profile to give me some sort of self loathing, although i'm still happy nonetheless. i've gained 15 pounds.
its funny though, because i feel a lot healthier. i'm still throwing up. just not as much. i threw up today. i ate a lot and i felt guilty about it. but at least i'm eating more, that's the important thing.
i've been working a lot and working out a lot. i haven't set my eyes on anyone of interest. i'm still talking to aidan, and am pretty sure that i'll be with him when i get back. he's counting the days until he sees me, which is great. bryan contacted me on facebook, saying he misses me and thinks about the great times we've had. i dont really let it phase me though, because with him i dont know what is real and what isn't. all i know is, that i'm living my life for right now, and that's all i can do. no more hating myself.
i can't drink here, which is wonderful, because if i' did i think i would go stir crazy. i'm not taking my ambien anymore, the bottle is a little reminder of my crazy self. that is mia.
Monday, May 11, 2009
pictures.
i'm having a grand old time studying for staff. the best ever. actually what the grand actually means is that i took a sleeping pill and sipping on some red wine trying to say something with meaning with this blog. im a loopy, but i like being loopy, its the shit.
realizations.
aidan left today. i wont be able to talk to him everyday and i was scared, but right now im not. he told me that i could write him a long email everyday and i think i will. *sigh i love him a lot. i feel so important to him. and i want to be with him. i just need to wait until december. then we can have our family back together. seven more months baby, seven more months.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
day two.
dear bryan,
its been two full days that i haven't spoken to you. every day i still have to catch myself from looking for your number to call it. when i synced my phone the last time i saw that there were our earliest conversations from january on it. wow, that was a crazy time. i sometimes can't even imagine that we were so close, and how i could ever believe your lies. maybe i am as stupid as you think. i cant believe you thought that bringing a girlfriend and whoever else here was not going to break my heart. it makes me want to hate you and i hope in time never see you ever again in my life.
on another note, i just talked to aidan a couple hours ago and i broke down because he's leaving tomorrow and i dont think that i can handle him not being there for me to call whenever i get sad. i thought new york was going to be different for me, more friends, different atmosphere. but all i did was meet the same kind of people that hurt me the same way. i end up happy happy happy and so insecure about it going away, and then i throw up all the food that i have eaten just so that i can control something in that crazy head of mine. i really wish that i could make everything go better. i wish i could find myself, but im so scared that if i do try to find myself, there wont be anything there. does that even make any sense?????
maybe i dont have a personality, i haven't developped one because after everything that i've ever been through, the neccessary things that needed in in order to shape one just didnt' come. i'm a little curious to see what's going on.
its been two full days that i haven't spoken to you. every day i still have to catch myself from looking for your number to call it. when i synced my phone the last time i saw that there were our earliest conversations from january on it. wow, that was a crazy time. i sometimes can't even imagine that we were so close, and how i could ever believe your lies. maybe i am as stupid as you think. i cant believe you thought that bringing a girlfriend and whoever else here was not going to break my heart. it makes me want to hate you and i hope in time never see you ever again in my life.
on another note, i just talked to aidan a couple hours ago and i broke down because he's leaving tomorrow and i dont think that i can handle him not being there for me to call whenever i get sad. i thought new york was going to be different for me, more friends, different atmosphere. but all i did was meet the same kind of people that hurt me the same way. i end up happy happy happy and so insecure about it going away, and then i throw up all the food that i have eaten just so that i can control something in that crazy head of mine. i really wish that i could make everything go better. i wish i could find myself, but im so scared that if i do try to find myself, there wont be anything there. does that even make any sense?????
maybe i dont have a personality, i haven't developped one because after everything that i've ever been through, the neccessary things that needed in in order to shape one just didnt' come. i'm a little curious to see what's going on.
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