Wednesday, August 12, 2009
my thoughts on panic attacks
i dont know why i still have them. i feel anxious and horribly confused. i dont want to go to see the doctor because i dont want them to think i am crazy. what should i do?
Monday, August 10, 2009
dream a little dream
i had a dream that about my spin instructor and i. for some reason we were hanging out and it was on the couch and i kissed him on the cheek and then he kissed me. we ended up making out all over the place. we had our clothes off and then aidan showed up, but i dont think he ever found out. weird. after that aidan and i rode off together on a motorcycle. it was a bumpy one, but it was above a hill so it was cool.
love
i have a speech impediment.
i know exactly what i'm supposed to say and yet i do not know how to express it through words. at least when i'm trying to explain this to others. i slur and stutter, as if english was not my first language, which is it. my heart races and i'm anxious just thinking about trying to get my point across.
im stupid, worthless, and have no sense of direction.
i am ugly. dark cloudy skin, dull brown eyes, and lips that are pale and i do not smoke nor drink excessively.
i would love to be one of the women that could stop a man in his tracks, to hypnotize him with one look. that's what i would love.
even more so, i just want to be the person that someone admires, and wants to love. i want to be the person that matters.
i know exactly what i'm supposed to say and yet i do not know how to express it through words. at least when i'm trying to explain this to others. i slur and stutter, as if english was not my first language, which is it. my heart races and i'm anxious just thinking about trying to get my point across.
im stupid, worthless, and have no sense of direction.
i am ugly. dark cloudy skin, dull brown eyes, and lips that are pale and i do not smoke nor drink excessively.
i would love to be one of the women that could stop a man in his tracks, to hypnotize him with one look. that's what i would love.
even more so, i just want to be the person that someone admires, and wants to love. i want to be the person that matters.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
i threw up today
and the day before that as well. i dotn think i have any intention in stopping. at least for now anyway.
there's nothing more satisfying than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe in a real setting, an ideal morning would be having breakfast with your loved ones, maybe french toast with sausage and orange juice, conversing what you guys are going to do that day.
but here, its just raisin bran, coffee, and my computer. no one interests me here. i like to be alone with my thoughts, because i think i've lost touch with it. in hopes of becoming a writer, ive poured my feelings in sheets of paper, and then the curse of growing up took over. human interactions between the opposite sex corrupted my innocence. when i was seven i was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle, and i don't think im' ever going to get over it. there isn't a pill or a person that's ever going to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY.
and so, i dwell in my self loathing. not to people, just when i am alone. its my little secret. to everyone im a smiley girl that loves to laugh and play around, and it seems like i have everything together.......... but to me i am the most hateful person, a person not worthy of the purest form of emotion. in fact, i do not believe that there is someone for me. i dont think that there is anyone that's ever going to accept me for who i am, and that's okay.
i've been through a clash of relationships, one divorce. its a wonderful, wonderful thing.
after my divorce i poured myself into the bottom. intentionally. my feelings were a blur and everything else was irrelevant.
i started seeing aidan and it was nice, to act like i was a normal person. after he had taken a trip i set my eyes on someone else.. his name was jason, who was deep and sensitive and whatever. i truly thought i had feelings for him. undeniable feelings. i fucked him and he wasn't that great, but the feelings were there and i didn't care. i truly did care for him, but i was still with aidan and i didn't tell the two until it was too late. jason won't talk to me anymore... he said he loved me, and now he won't talk to me anymore.
after all of that there was bryan. oh bryan... who had given me the most ultimate physical pleasure anyone has ever given me. his eyes and smile were melting and i knew that i needed him. more than i needed myself. i began to hate, hate myself and scared that if he had ever left that i would be a wreck. i knew he was cheating on me, and yet i was scared for him to leave. his touch, his kiss, was like a drug. it sended me to a place that i didn't know existed. he made me feel beautiful, and so so ugly at the same time. and when he left he was gone, as if he never was there. and of course, with a beautiful girl at his side.
i dont know what im going to do with myself. i hate that i do not know, but i hope aidan will be there for me. he is the first person that ever remained constant in my life, i do not know what would happen if he wasn't there anymore. i dont think im in love with him. but he's what i need... need need need.
there's nothing more satisfying than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe in a real setting, an ideal morning would be having breakfast with your loved ones, maybe french toast with sausage and orange juice, conversing what you guys are going to do that day.
but here, its just raisin bran, coffee, and my computer. no one interests me here. i like to be alone with my thoughts, because i think i've lost touch with it. in hopes of becoming a writer, ive poured my feelings in sheets of paper, and then the curse of growing up took over. human interactions between the opposite sex corrupted my innocence. when i was seven i was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle, and i don't think im' ever going to get over it. there isn't a pill or a person that's ever going to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY.
and so, i dwell in my self loathing. not to people, just when i am alone. its my little secret. to everyone im a smiley girl that loves to laugh and play around, and it seems like i have everything together.......... but to me i am the most hateful person, a person not worthy of the purest form of emotion. in fact, i do not believe that there is someone for me. i dont think that there is anyone that's ever going to accept me for who i am, and that's okay.
i've been through a clash of relationships, one divorce. its a wonderful, wonderful thing.
after my divorce i poured myself into the bottom. intentionally. my feelings were a blur and everything else was irrelevant.
i started seeing aidan and it was nice, to act like i was a normal person. after he had taken a trip i set my eyes on someone else.. his name was jason, who was deep and sensitive and whatever. i truly thought i had feelings for him. undeniable feelings. i fucked him and he wasn't that great, but the feelings were there and i didn't care. i truly did care for him, but i was still with aidan and i didn't tell the two until it was too late. jason won't talk to me anymore... he said he loved me, and now he won't talk to me anymore.
after all of that there was bryan. oh bryan... who had given me the most ultimate physical pleasure anyone has ever given me. his eyes and smile were melting and i knew that i needed him. more than i needed myself. i began to hate, hate myself and scared that if he had ever left that i would be a wreck. i knew he was cheating on me, and yet i was scared for him to leave. his touch, his kiss, was like a drug. it sended me to a place that i didn't know existed. he made me feel beautiful, and so so ugly at the same time. and when he left he was gone, as if he never was there. and of course, with a beautiful girl at his side.
i dont know what im going to do with myself. i hate that i do not know, but i hope aidan will be there for me. he is the first person that ever remained constant in my life, i do not know what would happen if he wasn't there anymore. i dont think im in love with him. but he's what i need... need need need.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
coffee and raisin bran
simplistic in its own way. thats what i want my life to be. no drama, no anything. i dont want to remember what my life was. i want to remember it right before i met my ex husband. oh yes the ex. he's going to get married soon, even posted it up on his status on myspace. i wonder why. i'd like to think that he did it just for me and yet... after everything, i dont think so. i dont think he thinks about me or anything he ever did to me. i dont even think i am a memory to him. which is fine. i just wish i could do the same for him. what i really want to do is sit him down, touch his face, and have him tell me everything that he had ever felt. actually i really dont, i really dont give a fuck.
completely different.
completely different place, completely different time.
i've arrived in iraq and its suprising good for me. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont care for it still, but at least i dont hate it.
it's so weird, i haven't felt depressed yet. i have a friend here that keeps me sane. i still try to look at bryan's profile to give me some sort of self loathing, although i'm still happy nonetheless. i've gained 15 pounds.
its funny though, because i feel a lot healthier. i'm still throwing up. just not as much. i threw up today. i ate a lot and i felt guilty about it. but at least i'm eating more, that's the important thing.
i've been working a lot and working out a lot. i haven't set my eyes on anyone of interest. i'm still talking to aidan, and am pretty sure that i'll be with him when i get back. he's counting the days until he sees me, which is great. bryan contacted me on facebook, saying he misses me and thinks about the great times we've had. i dont really let it phase me though, because with him i dont know what is real and what isn't. all i know is, that i'm living my life for right now, and that's all i can do. no more hating myself.
i can't drink here, which is wonderful, because if i' did i think i would go stir crazy. i'm not taking my ambien anymore, the bottle is a little reminder of my crazy self. that is mia.
i've arrived in iraq and its suprising good for me. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont care for it still, but at least i dont hate it.
it's so weird, i haven't felt depressed yet. i have a friend here that keeps me sane. i still try to look at bryan's profile to give me some sort of self loathing, although i'm still happy nonetheless. i've gained 15 pounds.
its funny though, because i feel a lot healthier. i'm still throwing up. just not as much. i threw up today. i ate a lot and i felt guilty about it. but at least i'm eating more, that's the important thing.
i've been working a lot and working out a lot. i haven't set my eyes on anyone of interest. i'm still talking to aidan, and am pretty sure that i'll be with him when i get back. he's counting the days until he sees me, which is great. bryan contacted me on facebook, saying he misses me and thinks about the great times we've had. i dont really let it phase me though, because with him i dont know what is real and what isn't. all i know is, that i'm living my life for right now, and that's all i can do. no more hating myself.
i can't drink here, which is wonderful, because if i' did i think i would go stir crazy. i'm not taking my ambien anymore, the bottle is a little reminder of my crazy self. that is mia.
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