i threw up today

and the day before that as well. i dotn think i have any intention in stopping. at least for now anyway.
there's nothing more satisfying than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe in a real setting, an ideal morning would be having breakfast with your loved ones, maybe french toast with sausage and orange juice, conversing what you guys are going to do that day.
but here, its just raisin bran, coffee, and my computer. no one interests me here. i like to be alone with my thoughts, because i think i've lost touch with it. in hopes of becoming a writer, ive poured my feelings in sheets of paper, and then the curse of growing up took over. human interactions between the opposite sex corrupted my innocence. when i was seven i was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle, and i don't think im' ever going to get over it. there isn't a pill or a person that's ever going to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY.
and so, i dwell in my self loathing. not to people, just when i am alone. its my little secret. to everyone im a smiley girl that loves to laugh and play around, and it seems like i have everything together.......... but to me i am the most hateful person, a person not worthy of the purest form of emotion. in fact, i do not believe that there is someone for me. i dont think that there is anyone that's ever going to accept me for who i am, and that's okay.
i've been through a clash of relationships, one divorce. its a wonderful, wonderful thing.
after my divorce i poured myself into the bottom. intentionally. my feelings were a blur and everything else was irrelevant.
i started seeing aidan and it was nice, to act like i was a normal person. after he had taken a trip i set my eyes on someone else.. his name was jason, who was deep and sensitive and whatever. i truly thought i had feelings for him. undeniable feelings. i fucked him and he wasn't that great, but the feelings were there and i didn't care. i truly did care for him, but i was still with aidan and i didn't tell the two until it was too late. jason won't talk to me anymore... he said he loved me, and now he won't talk to me anymore.
after all of that there was bryan. oh bryan... who had given me the most ultimate physical pleasure anyone has ever given me. his eyes and smile were melting and i knew that i needed him. more than i needed myself. i began to hate, hate myself and scared that if he had ever left that i would be a wreck. i knew he was cheating on me, and yet i was scared for him to leave. his touch, his kiss, was like a drug. it sended me to a place that i didn't know existed. he made me feel beautiful, and so so ugly at the same time. and when he left he was gone, as if he never was there. and of course, with a beautiful girl at his side.
i dont know what im going to do with myself. i hate that i do not know, but i hope aidan will be there for me. he is the first person that ever remained constant in my life, i do not know what would happen if he wasn't there anymore. i dont think im in love with him. but he's what i need... need need need.