afterparty.

so i went to a party last night, it was pretty fun. didnt get drunk. i just hanged out and that's about it. i've been crying like everyday and sleeping a whole bunch. it sucks. i wish aidan was always with me. he makes me feel so much better. he calls me beautiful every time we speak. i look around and i dont have motivation to better myself. all i want to do is lay on my bed and close my eyes.
i have to admit there are urges to call bryan, but i'm always trying to remind myself that even as wonderful as it feels to be with him, the moment he leaves i have to start all over. he's probably not even thinking about me. he's probably already moved on. i've been listening to that pepper song tradewinds and listen to the line "chances are you're over me, i'll catch that train, eventually."
i hate that i cant get over people so easily. i wish people could see that. i wish people would just listen to me. i hate that im like this most of all. i hate myself. i tell this to aidan and i've told him that i hate the way i look, the way i feel. i feel so disgusted with myself that i can't even look in the mirror most days. i look at pictures and even though i'm smiling i see dark circles around my eyes, which i dont even know why i have those because i sleep all the time. i dont know.
i'm going to start running i just hate thinking about seeing bryan's car all the time. i hate the way he makes me feel.




i hate you. you make me freaking sick. how could i ever fall for someone like you? how could you even do the things you have done and leave the way you did????
i hate you. you dont know what i'm dealing with right now.
you probably have everyone telling you that you are gorgeous and loving every minute of it.
well i have never lived your life and never will. i hope someone stomps on your heart.
i hope you'll want to kill yourself, cut your face so that people will see how ugly you are.