day two.

dear bryan,
its been two full days that i haven't spoken to you. every day i still have to catch myself from looking for your number to call it. when i synced my phone the last time i saw that there were our earliest conversations from january on it. wow, that was a crazy time. i sometimes can't even imagine that we were so close, and how i could ever believe your lies. maybe i am as stupid as you think. i cant believe you thought that bringing a girlfriend and whoever else here was not going to break my heart. it makes me want to hate you and i hope in time never see you ever again in my life.

on another note, i just talked to aidan a couple hours ago and i broke down because he's leaving tomorrow and i dont think that i can handle him not being there for me to call whenever i get sad. i thought new york was going to be different for me, more friends, different atmosphere. but all i did was meet the same kind of people that hurt me the same way. i end up happy happy happy and so insecure about it going away, and then i throw up all the food that i have eaten just so that i can control something in that crazy head of mine. i really wish that i could make everything go better. i wish i could find myself, but im so scared that if i do try to find myself, there wont be anything there. does that even make any sense?????
maybe i dont have a personality, i haven't developped one because after everything that i've ever been through, the neccessary things that needed in in order to shape one just didnt' come. i'm a little curious to see what's going on.