reality.

i really just cuddle up in bed. what i really want to do is cuddle in bed with someone cuddly. i dont want to remember how comfy bryan was. ahh i dont want to think about it.
its 537 in the afternoon and im wanting to go to bed and sleep. it sucks. my house is a mess again, i need to clean it up. i also want to take a bunch of sleeping pills and wine and go to sleep.
i ate some chicken and i threw it up. i really didn't want to do it but i feel like i have to. i have no one to talk to. i can't afford a psychiatrist. i dont even know what i have. i dont even know how to feel. around people i have a shiny smiling and bubbly personality, but when i look at myself in the mirror i feel ugly ugly ugly and i start crying.
my boyfriend is suffering from it. i push him away so much. he's the only one that has never let me down. i love him but i dont know if i deserve him. he wants me to marry him. he wants me to have a family with him. i want him to be the only one.
i want bryan out of my life. i dont want to think about him. i never want to think about him.




you are a poison to me
and yet i'm drinking you up every day
im killing myself inside yearning for your touch
and i go for more and more.
but what is that to you? nothing.
you dont give a fuck about me. you never did.
why would you ever treat someone this way? why would you even tell me that you have some kind of feelings for me when you were talking to all these girls??????
i feel like i wasted my time, my love, my heart.
you didn't even need me. why did you even do it???????