my thoughts on panic attacks

i dont know why i still have them. i feel anxious and horribly confused. i dont want to go to see the doctor because i dont want them to think i am crazy. what should i do?

dream a little dream

i had a dream that about my spin instructor and i. for some reason we were hanging out and it was on the couch and i kissed him on the cheek and then he kissed me. we ended up making out all over the place. we had our clothes off and then aidan showed up, but i dont think he ever found out. weird. after that aidan and i rode off together on a motorcycle. it was a bumpy one, but it was above a hill so it was cool.

love

i have a speech impediment.
i know exactly what i'm supposed to say and yet i do not know how to express it through words. at least when i'm trying to explain this to others. i slur and stutter, as if english was not my first language, which is it. my heart races and i'm anxious just thinking about trying to get my point across.
im stupid, worthless, and have no sense of direction.
i am ugly. dark cloudy skin, dull brown eyes, and lips that are pale and i do not smoke nor drink excessively.
i would love to be one of the women that could stop a man in his tracks, to hypnotize him with one look. that's what i would love.
even more so, i just want to be the person that someone admires, and wants to love. i want to be the person that matters.

love

my emotions always get the best of my thinking.

i threw up today

and the day before that as well. i dotn think i have any intention in stopping. at least for now anyway.
there's nothing more satisfying than drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. maybe in a real setting, an ideal morning would be having breakfast with your loved ones, maybe french toast with sausage and orange juice, conversing what you guys are going to do that day.
but here, its just raisin bran, coffee, and my computer. no one interests me here. i like to be alone with my thoughts, because i think i've lost touch with it. in hopes of becoming a writer, ive poured my feelings in sheets of paper, and then the curse of growing up took over. human interactions between the opposite sex corrupted my innocence. when i was seven i was sexually abused by a cousin and uncle, and i don't think im' ever going to get over it. there isn't a pill or a person that's ever going to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING OKAY.
and so, i dwell in my self loathing. not to people, just when i am alone. its my little secret. to everyone im a smiley girl that loves to laugh and play around, and it seems like i have everything together.......... but to me i am the most hateful person, a person not worthy of the purest form of emotion. in fact, i do not believe that there is someone for me. i dont think that there is anyone that's ever going to accept me for who i am, and that's okay.
i've been through a clash of relationships, one divorce. its a wonderful, wonderful thing.
after my divorce i poured myself into the bottom. intentionally. my feelings were a blur and everything else was irrelevant.
i started seeing aidan and it was nice, to act like i was a normal person. after he had taken a trip i set my eyes on someone else.. his name was jason, who was deep and sensitive and whatever. i truly thought i had feelings for him. undeniable feelings. i fucked him and he wasn't that great, but the feelings were there and i didn't care. i truly did care for him, but i was still with aidan and i didn't tell the two until it was too late. jason won't talk to me anymore... he said he loved me, and now he won't talk to me anymore.
after all of that there was bryan. oh bryan... who had given me the most ultimate physical pleasure anyone has ever given me. his eyes and smile were melting and i knew that i needed him. more than i needed myself. i began to hate, hate myself and scared that if he had ever left that i would be a wreck. i knew he was cheating on me, and yet i was scared for him to leave. his touch, his kiss, was like a drug. it sended me to a place that i didn't know existed. he made me feel beautiful, and so so ugly at the same time. and when he left he was gone, as if he never was there. and of course, with a beautiful girl at his side.
i dont know what im going to do with myself. i hate that i do not know, but i hope aidan will be there for me. he is the first person that ever remained constant in my life, i do not know what would happen if he wasn't there anymore. i dont think im in love with him. but he's what i need... need need need.

coffee and raisin bran

simplistic in its own way. thats what i want my life to be. no drama, no anything. i dont want to remember what my life was. i want to remember it right before i met my ex husband. oh yes the ex. he's going to get married soon, even posted it up on his status on myspace. i wonder why. i'd like to think that he did it just for me and yet... after everything, i dont think so. i dont think he thinks about me or anything he ever did to me. i dont even think i am a memory to him. which is fine. i just wish i could do the same for him. what i really want to do is sit him down, touch his face, and have him tell me everything that he had ever felt. actually i really dont, i really dont give a fuck.

completely different.

completely different place, completely different time.
i've arrived in iraq and its suprising good for me. i look at myself in the mirror and i dont care for it still, but at least i dont hate it.
it's so weird, i haven't felt depressed yet. i have a friend here that keeps me sane. i still try to look at bryan's profile to give me some sort of self loathing, although i'm still happy nonetheless. i've gained 15 pounds.
its funny though, because i feel a lot healthier. i'm still throwing up. just not as much. i threw up today. i ate a lot and i felt guilty about it. but at least i'm eating more, that's the important thing.
i've been working a lot and working out a lot. i haven't set my eyes on anyone of interest. i'm still talking to aidan, and am pretty sure that i'll be with him when i get back. he's counting the days until he sees me, which is great. bryan contacted me on facebook, saying he misses me and thinks about the great times we've had. i dont really let it phase me though, because with him i dont know what is real and what isn't. all i know is, that i'm living my life for right now, and that's all i can do. no more hating myself.
i can't drink here, which is wonderful, because if i' did i think i would go stir crazy. i'm not taking my ambien anymore, the bottle is a little reminder of my crazy self. that is mia.

pictures.

i'm having a grand old time studying for staff. the best ever. actually what the grand actually means is that i took a sleeping pill and sipping on some red wine trying to say something with meaning with this blog. im a loopy, but i like being loopy, its the shit.

realizations.

aidan left today. i wont be able to talk to him everyday and i was scared, but right now im not. he told me that i could write him a long email everyday and i think i will. *sigh i love him a lot. i feel so important to him. and i want to be with him. i just need to wait until december. then we can have our family back together. seven more months baby, seven more months.

day two.

dear bryan,
its been two full days that i haven't spoken to you. every day i still have to catch myself from looking for your number to call it. when i synced my phone the last time i saw that there were our earliest conversations from january on it. wow, that was a crazy time. i sometimes can't even imagine that we were so close, and how i could ever believe your lies. maybe i am as stupid as you think. i cant believe you thought that bringing a girlfriend and whoever else here was not going to break my heart. it makes me want to hate you and i hope in time never see you ever again in my life.

on another note, i just talked to aidan a couple hours ago and i broke down because he's leaving tomorrow and i dont think that i can handle him not being there for me to call whenever i get sad. i thought new york was going to be different for me, more friends, different atmosphere. but all i did was meet the same kind of people that hurt me the same way. i end up happy happy happy and so insecure about it going away, and then i throw up all the food that i have eaten just so that i can control something in that crazy head of mine. i really wish that i could make everything go better. i wish i could find myself, but im so scared that if i do try to find myself, there wont be anything there. does that even make any sense?????
maybe i dont have a personality, i haven't developped one because after everything that i've ever been through, the neccessary things that needed in in order to shape one just didnt' come. i'm a little curious to see what's going on.

nervous.

im scared of the person that i will become without being able to talk to aidan everyday. he has been my freaking sanity for the past year. for the past couple years. i really can't believe that i've known him for three years. i love him.
i love him i love him i love him.
knowing that i am in love makes me happy. but i feel guilty when i'm happy because i dont throw up. i dont know whats wrong with me. i wish someone could help me.
wade understands that i can't go to just anyone, so i tell him everything, even my deepest darkest secrets. i feel so comfortable with him. i trust him. i love him.

afterparty.

so i went to a party last night, it was pretty fun. didnt get drunk. i just hanged out and that's about it. i've been crying like everyday and sleeping a whole bunch. it sucks. i wish aidan was always with me. he makes me feel so much better. he calls me beautiful every time we speak. i look around and i dont have motivation to better myself. all i want to do is lay on my bed and close my eyes.
i have to admit there are urges to call bryan, but i'm always trying to remind myself that even as wonderful as it feels to be with him, the moment he leaves i have to start all over. he's probably not even thinking about me. he's probably already moved on. i've been listening to that pepper song tradewinds and listen to the line "chances are you're over me, i'll catch that train, eventually."
i hate that i cant get over people so easily. i wish people could see that. i wish people would just listen to me. i hate that im like this most of all. i hate myself. i tell this to aidan and i've told him that i hate the way i look, the way i feel. i feel so disgusted with myself that i can't even look in the mirror most days. i look at pictures and even though i'm smiling i see dark circles around my eyes, which i dont even know why i have those because i sleep all the time. i dont know.
i'm going to start running i just hate thinking about seeing bryan's car all the time. i hate the way he makes me feel.




i hate you. you make me freaking sick. how could i ever fall for someone like you? how could you even do the things you have done and leave the way you did????
i hate you. you dont know what i'm dealing with right now.
you probably have everyone telling you that you are gorgeous and loving every minute of it.
well i have never lived your life and never will. i hope someone stomps on your heart.
i hope you'll want to kill yourself, cut your face so that people will see how ugly you are.

on a side note.

its getting a little easier to think about bryan every single day. i no longer really long for him as much as i used to. i still think about what he might be up to, but i also think that maybe i should at least try to begin the detachment process which means.... probably not have his pictures up. there's a picture of him kissing me on the cheek and i can't even imagine it anymore. i dont want to imagine him kissing me, he doesn't deserve me.


you dont fucking deserve me. i hate that you played me like a fool.
you told me that you were different, even when you knew you weren't.
you put me on this emotional rollercoaster and you were laughing the whole way.
i hate that you are that kind of person, but most of all, i hate that my heart actually yearned for you.
you made me feel so small, so ugly... and even now you feel gorgeous and on top of the world.
well let me tell you something, even if things come easily for you, you will get yours.
someone will come in and take your heart and cradle it and you will be so scared because it's not in your hands anymore.
and then she or he will break it and you will be left on the bottom, wondering how you got there.
you are an ugly person inside, no matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are.
you make people feel so pretty and then take it all away because you know you can.
i never want to see you again. i never want to feel you again.
i hope you think of me and just remember me as a distant memory.
because you are dead to me.

the next day.

last night was kind of a blur. took more and more pills last night and fell asleep when i was watching tv. a pretty eventful night i have to say.

aidan texted me last night things that filled my heart with love.he tells me that he's so happy he has fallen in love with me. and he can't wait until he wakes up next to me every day. im so happy to have someone like him in my life.

he has been the only person that has never let me down. i have hurt him so much, shit i treated him like a piece of crap, and he yet he has still loved and cared for me more than i deserve. i can't wait to be with him.




i feel a little foggy from last night. better go take a shower or something. i need to look presentable because i'm meeting up with megan.. rawr.

reality.

i really just cuddle up in bed. what i really want to do is cuddle in bed with someone cuddly. i dont want to remember how comfy bryan was. ahh i dont want to think about it.
its 537 in the afternoon and im wanting to go to bed and sleep. it sucks. my house is a mess again, i need to clean it up. i also want to take a bunch of sleeping pills and wine and go to sleep.
i ate some chicken and i threw it up. i really didn't want to do it but i feel like i have to. i have no one to talk to. i can't afford a psychiatrist. i dont even know what i have. i dont even know how to feel. around people i have a shiny smiling and bubbly personality, but when i look at myself in the mirror i feel ugly ugly ugly and i start crying.
my boyfriend is suffering from it. i push him away so much. he's the only one that has never let me down. i love him but i dont know if i deserve him. he wants me to marry him. he wants me to have a family with him. i want him to be the only one.
i want bryan out of my life. i dont want to think about him. i never want to think about him.




you are a poison to me
and yet i'm drinking you up every day
im killing myself inside yearning for your touch
and i go for more and more.
but what is that to you? nothing.
you dont give a fuck about me. you never did.
why would you ever treat someone this way? why would you even tell me that you have some kind of feelings for me when you were talking to all these girls??????
i feel like i wasted my time, my love, my heart.
you didn't even need me. why did you even do it???????

potluck.

sooooo i haven't talked to bryan all afternoon. he didn't even text me back last night and i thought that was pretty lame, but he said good morning to me first and told me he was watching me play. i'm trying not to be so hung up on him.. i'm trying to realize that he is not good for me, and i dont need him in my life to be happy.
we had a huge potluck today. i felt so freaking guilty about eating, i threw up twice. i dont know if anything can help me at this point. i wonder if i'm going to just break one day.
i wonder what would happen if one day i was just gone. i really dont think anyone would care.

rolling around.

i dont know what it is about bryan. its like i can't get him out of my head, no matter how much i try. i give in to temptation so much, i hurt myself over and over again. the last time i saw him was last thursday, and i tried to be cool about everything, but he had to go on and ruin it and tell me he still cared about me. and then he doesnt' call me for more than a week. i dont know what to do, i keep wanting to see him, wanting his touch, wanting everything. its getting me deeper into this depression.
i've been taking sleeping pills every night, and throwing up almost every day. throwing up is the only thing that keeps me from staying sane. at first i did it because i felt guilty about eating so much, and then it almost consumes me. its like i hate the feeling of being so much and the fact that bryan can't love me that i just hurt myself, over and over.
i didn't even want to get into a relationship, but he insisted that i was the one. and now i'm sitting here wondering what i ever did. i hate this. i hate when people hurt me. i hate when i give people a chance and all they do is hurt me over and over again. is it really me?
people tell me that i push others away. this is why i can't let my heart go. because i get so damn emotional when they leave. just once, i want for someone to tell me that i matter to them. for a person to tell me that he's going to love me no matter what. i keep on getting effed over because i'm too nice and giving, i hate that. why can't someone just appreciate me?